Here we go again. Me, hoping back into the blog when I need an outlet the most and social media and talking to people just aren't cutting it. In reality, I need to be diving into a devotional right now but this is sort of my diary of me talking to God and also talking "out loud" (typing? On paper? whatever you want to call it). You know, I originally created this blog in a time where I didn't have many people to rely on and talk to in my life. It was an outlet to truly write how I was feeling. I let it go after I got wrapped up in life and like a lot of ventures I start... I didn't know how to keep going, what to say, and was very much influenced by socials to have the right thing for everyone to read. That is just not the case. I want to help people but I also want it to be authentic and for people to know what is really going on - to an extent of not everything needs to be shared with the world but a lot of what I am experiencing in each stage of my life could be helpful for someone who needs to hear it.
In the last three years we have had a lot going on. We have had a miscarriage, I had myomectomy surgery to take out a fibroid, we had a beautiful baby girl, moved to Florida, celebrated 5 years of marriage, started a business, I got my Real Estate license in Florida, then we had another beautiful baby girl who is now 1 month old already. These are the significant things that happened in that short time. Mostly good things and some things that have left marks on us. One day I may go into detail on different things but tonight I want to talk about the stage that I am currently in.
I just got out of the shower and like most shower sessions, I had an epiphany that I was so over feeling overwhelmed and getting no relief. Not that I am unhappy but there is just something I feel I need to "get off my chest" and I don't want to go to Tony either. Sometimes when I talk about how I feel it's almost like I can't fully explain it and I don't want to keep repeating myself because then it feels like an annoyance. Anyways, I ran into the shower because of how overwhelmed I was with today. This week has been my first full week being alone with my 16 month old and my 1 month old and boy am I EXHAUSTED. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and on top of that I am spiritually not where I want/need to be to thrive like I know I can. We are figuring out a routine I guess but at the same time, how can you with such a little babe and one who is so active? You can't. There is just a lot of grace.
With the time that I was gone from the blog I was trying to find myself and more of a purpose for myself. When I had my daughter, I realized my purpose and "me" is so much greater and bigger than I had ever thought. I found a career that I love and can leisurely do. We started a renovation business that Tony is thriving in. But my passion are my girls. They truly are. That's why days like today make me second guess myself. I have never been so exhausted and felt so tired in my life. Two babies in diapers is a totally different ball game than I ever thought it would be. Mila wants to be more independent and Stella needs me more than she ever will at this point. Sometimes I feel ill-equipt to handle them both. It is hard. But I still feel like this is my purpose, to not only be their mama but to help them to thrive and help other women know they are not alone. This is hard. We need to give ourselves more grace, especially on these rough days.
The Lord has blessed me with the honoring job of being their mom. That does not mean that the job will be easy. That does not mean that I will be perfect at it or even great. I will be great when I lean into the Lord only. He will equip me with exactly what they need and exactly what I need. Sometimes it's watching movies all day with a crying baby, a snacking toddler, and a tired mama. I'm finding my grace. I haven't found it completely yet and If I am being honest I have been fully lacking in keeping up with my spiritual life, which is the foundation of every other aspect of my life. The only way I can be the best wife, mom, and friend is through HIM.
I'm tired but He is who I find my rest in.
Now, this is such a great outlet for me. I love typing this stuff out and spilling out what's in my head. There will be misspellings, grammar errors, and things may not always make sense but just bare with me and one day when I have time (and the kids are grown) maybe I'll get better haha Thanks for hanging out
xoxo, Leila